My Map of You Page 20

  Holly stared at the large object by the path ahead of them.

  ‘Does that look like a dog’s head to you?’ she whispered.

  The rock was much smaller than she’d pictured when she’d first read the absurd description on the map, just about coming up to her knees. There was a pronounced nose-shaped lump on the front and grooves in the top that looked a bit like ears.

  ‘That has to be it,’ Aidan sounded excited behind her. ‘I’ve never seen a rock that looked more like a dog’s head in my life.’

  Holly slipped the map out of her back pocket and peered at the crude drawing that her mum or Sandra had done. It did, indeed, seem to be a similar shape.

  ‘Come on!’ Aidan had stepped around her and was heading downwards through a tangle of trees. ‘It’s got to be down here.’

  Holly followed him carefully, but she found that her legs had started to shake. If this was the beach, what would she find there? Would she feel anything? What if she broke down and started crying in front of Aidan again? However, the fact was, she wanted to see this place, she needed to see it. She couldn’t explain it, not even to herself, but the need was all of a sudden like no other she’d ever experienced. Over the past few days, an image of her mother had begun to form in her mind, one that was happy and tanned and carefree – a world away from the stringy, matted, dirty heap that Holly had discovered slumped in the armchair that day. This new Jenny Wright was full of life and laughter. Holly found she could picture her very clearly in that way, and the image had become so vivid now that she was almost surprised not to find her mother peering out from behind one of the trees she and Aidan passed as they made their way downhill.

  Aidan, perhaps sensing the change in mood, kept quiet, pausing only to hold branches out of Holly’s way. She felt a wave of gratitude towards him for knowing not to interrupt her thoughts.

  They were nearing the sea now. Holly knew because she could hear, rather than see it. There was salt in the air around them and a light breeze rustled the dry grass. Aidan parted an extra-thick tangle of leaves and suddenly there it was. For a few seconds, Holly just stared, taking in the perfect white stones of the curved beach, the intense blueness of the sea, the gentle lapping of the water on the shoreline …

  ‘Do you think this is it?’ Aidan laid a gentle hand on her arm.

  For a moment, Holly didn’t dare reply. She was so convinced that she was about to burst into tears.

  ‘I know it is,’ she managed at last. ‘Don’t ask me how, but I know.’

  20

  The spanakopita turned out to taste even better than it had smelled in the bakery, and Holly smiled with pleasure as the sharp, bitter spinach brought the salty feta to life on her tongue. Aidan had swallowed his in two bites, and was now wiping flakes of pastry out of his stubble.

  ‘I need to tell you something,’ Holly said eventually, folding the paper bag from the bakery into smaller and smaller squares.

  ‘Whatever it is, you can tell me,’ Aidan said, putting his hand over hers.

  ‘My mum didn’t die in a car crash.’

  ‘Oh.’ There was a crunching sound as Aidan shifted on the stones.

  ‘She was an alcoholic, had been for years. She drank herself to death one day when I was at college, and I came home and found her.’

  ‘Oh Jesus,’ Aidan ran an agitated hand through his hair. ‘You poor girl.’

  ‘Afterwards, I was sent to see a grief counsellor,’ she went on, staring very hard at the horizon. ‘She told me that I had to forgive my mum for dying, and that I had to forgive myself for not being there to stop it, but I never really did. I don’t think I wanted to forgive her at first, and then the hatred just became part of who I was. What I really wanted was to forget she had ever existed at all. Thinking about her just hurt too much. I wanted the pain gone.’ She shook her head at her own stupid teenage self, so full of self-loathing and fear.

  ‘I really wanted to start my life again all by myself,’ she told Aidan. ‘And I was doing a great job of it, until the letter from Sandra turned up. Now it feels like my life is not only back to front, but upside down too.’

  Aidan had been sitting very quietly since she began talking. Now, however, he reached across and stroked her cheek. She had managed not to cry throughout the entire confession, but now she felt herself begin to crack.

  ‘Don’t cry,’ he whispered, as if reading her mind. ‘You’re so brave, coming here after everything that you’ve been through. I knew that you were tough – but I had no idea just how tough.’

  ‘I’m not tough,’ Holly argued. ‘I’m scared of everything.’

  ‘Are you scared of me?’

  She looked into his eyes. ‘Yes,’ she admitted. ‘I’m scared of who I am with you. I don’t even recognise myself – does that make me sound crazy?’

  ‘Yes.’ Aidan braved a grin. ‘But your craziness is part of what makes you so damn irresistible.’

  ‘I think my mum was a bit crazy.’ Holly pulled a face. ‘In fact, who am I kidding? She was completely mental.’

  ‘I know you have some very bad memories of your mam,’ Aidan said carefully. ‘But from what I’ve heard over the past few days, she was liked by a lot of people. She must have been a good person, at least in the beginning.’

  ‘She was.’ Holly turned away from him and stared out across the deserted beach. She knew that her mum had been here, probably sat in this very spot and looked out across the very same ocean. She tried to picture that version of her mum now, young and fearless, wringing every last drop of fun from life. Why was it so hard to admit that Jenny had been a good person?

  ‘She was the greatest mum in the world when I was a child,’ she told Aidan now. ‘She was my best friend. We did everything together.’

  ‘My mam used to let me sit on her knee sometimes when she was painting,’ Aidan said. He was focusing very hard on a spot somewhere on the horizon, but Holly thought she could detect a slight wobble in his voice. ‘I was too young at the time to really appreciate it, but later, when I was older and hopefully a bit wiser, she taught me that there is beauty everywhere – in every face, on every hillside, even in the blackest of dark skies. Despite everything that’s happened between me and her over the past few years, I’ve never forgotten that lesson.’

  ‘I think I understand a bit more about beauty since coming here,’ Holly said, stretching her arms out to either side for effect. ‘All this – it’s just so beautiful. Even with everything that’s happened, I can’t feel miserable here.’

  ‘Why do you think I moved here?’ He gave her a sideways look. ‘I only have to see the view from our hillside every morning and I feel refreshed and able to take on the world. But more than that, I feel like I want each one of my days to count, and for what I do to mean something. Does that make sense?’

  Holly, who for the past ten years had simply existed in a weird, miserable limbo, knew exactly what he meant. Aidan was staring out again towards the point where sea met sky, an intermingling mess of blues. Just as Holly went to jump up, he grabbed her hand.

  ‘Holly, there’s something …’ he began, but then caught sight of her grin. ‘What?’

  ‘Let’s go for a swim!’

  Aidan laughed as she pulled off her shorts and kicked her trainers across the stones, but his eyes widened as she flung her bikini after them.

  ‘Miss Wright, are you suggesting that we go skinny dipping?’

  ‘Not suggesting,’ she quipped. ‘Telling!’

  It took him less than a minute to follow suit, and the two of them ran giggling down to the water, hand in hand.

  What would you say if you could see me now, Mum? thought Holly, throwing herself into the surf. Is this something you would have done?

  After the heat of the beach, the shock of the cold water made her gasp. It felt wonderfully liberating, though, to know that they could be caught out at any second. She let her hair down and shivered as the water stole up the strands and tickled at her scalp. Looking dow
n, she could see her breasts beneath the surface, a pair of white pebbles on her toffee-coloured torso. Aidan had clearly spotted them too, and he swam across and took one in each of his big, freckled hands.

  ‘Cold?’ he asked, his thumbs finding her nipples.

  In response, she lifted her legs up and around his waist, knotting her ankles together and pulling him towards her. ‘Yes,’ she whispered into his ear. ‘But I have a feeling I’ll be warmed up soon.’

  Afterwards they lay on their backs, looking up at the cloudless sky and letting the natural buoyancy of the salt water keep them afloat in the shallows. Aidan closed his eyes, a contented smile on his face, and Holly watched him. She still couldn’t quite believe that this was happening to her – and she certainly wasn’t ready to think about what it meant for her life back home, for her future with Rupert.

  ‘Do you think you can make it to that cave?’ Aidan asked now, snapping her back to the present. The cave in question looked to be at least 200 metres away, but Holly was feeling invincible. Letting Aidan lead the way, she followed at a leisurely pace, enjoying the feel of the sea against her bare skin and the heat from the sun on her back.

  The water in the cave was a clear, brilliant blue, and the rocks inside were bleached white, just as they were in the more famous caves a few miles along the coast. It looked like something out of a fairy tale, and Holly gazed up into the nooks and crannies, wondering if a little hobbit creature was about to peer down at her through the gloom. Then, as her eyes scanned a ledge a few feet ahead of them, she spotted something else.

  ‘Do you see that?’ she asked Aidan, lifting an arm out of the water to point. ‘It looks like someone’s engraved something up there.’

  They paddled forward for a better look, with Aidan eventually clambering up the slippery side of a nearby rock to get closer. Holly admired his bottom from below, and was just about to shout up something cheeky when he turned, a look of pure incredulity on his face.

  ‘I think you’d better see this,’ he told her, reaching down to steady her as she stumbled and slipped up beside him. There on the cave wall, as clear as if it had been carved there that morning, was a star. And inside it, very clearly, the names ‘Jenny Bear’ and ‘Sandy Pants’.

  ‘Do you think,’ began Aidan, but quickly stopped because he had to reach out and catch Holly before she fell.

  Being here in this cave, on the very same ledge where she now knew that her mum and her aunt would have stood together, giggling as they made their mark on the island that they loved so much, took Holly’s breath away. Not since her childhood had she felt so close to her mum, so connected. Reaching out, she ran an unsteady finger over the inscription and around the jagged edges of the star. She knew she was shivering, but she couldn’t feel the cold. Even Aidan, standing right behind her, his hands resting firmly on her shoulders, felt miles away from her. It was as if time had spun out into a long, thin tunnel and she, Holly, was the only thing in the pinprick of light at the very end. Holly and Jenny and Sandra – the three of them, united at last.

  ‘Holly, you’re shaking.’

  Aidan was turning her around to face him, but she was finding it hard to tear her eyes away. She blinked, turned and suddenly remembered that she was completely naked.

  Oh. Dear. God.

  ‘You’re right,’ she said, blushing furiously. ‘We should go back to the beach.’ Without waiting for an answer, she moved away from him and slithered back into the water, landing with a splash that echoed around the walls of the cave.

  By the time she reached the shoreline ten minutes later, Holly’s limbs were aching with the effort of swimming, but she still sprinted across the pebbles to retrieve her bikini. Aidan, looking thoroughly nonplussed, strolled nonchalantly after her, making no attempt whatsoever to put his own trunks back on.

  ‘Don’t you be going all shy on me now,’ he remarked, but there was an edge to his voice.

  Holly did her best to smile at him. He’d gone from feeling like the closest person in the world to a total stranger in the past few minutes, and she had no idea why. She hated herself for freezing up like this, but she couldn’t seem to shrug it off. She’d brought her knees up under her chin and was now rocking backward and forward on her towel like a mad person.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Aidan crouched down as close to her as he dared. ‘You’ve gone very pale, like.’

  ‘I’m fine.’ It came out automatically, and a lot more sharply than she’d intended. Aidan flinched.

  ‘Sorry. I think I’m in shock.’ Holly stared down at the stones between her toes. ‘I’m a mess,’ she added. ‘I’m a total bitch.’

  ‘Now, now,’ he scolded. ‘You’re not a bitch, Holly. You’re … well, I think you’re pretty amazing, to be honest.’

  ‘Don’t.’ She held up a hand. ‘Please don’t be so nice to me. I don’t deserve it.’

  ‘The thing is, Holly, you really do.’ Aidan was finally pulling his tatty trunks back on. ‘Probably more than anyone else I’ve ever met. You shouldn’t give yourself such a hard time.’

  Holly knew he was trying to be kind, but it felt as though Aidan was telling her off. Of course she didn’t want to be miserable – couldn’t he see that? Frustrated, she picked up the largest stone she could find and lobbed it down the beach.

  ‘Whoa there!’ Aidan whistled, infuriating her even more when he started to laugh, and then hold up his towel as a makeshift shield. ‘Watch out, people of Zakynthos,’ he bellowed. ‘The girl’s lost it – she’s throwing fecking rocks around now!’

  Holly stood up, stuffing her things into her bag as Aidan danced around her, poking her in the ribs and giggling.

  ‘And you say I’m mad!’ she stormed, giving him a shove as he placed a large, bare foot on the edge of her towel. ‘Get off!’

  ‘Not until you smile.’

  He really was infuriating.

  ‘Sod off!’

  ‘I can tell you want to …’

  He was right, of course, and eventually she did smile, but not until he’d stepped across and taken her in his arms again. All he needed to do was kiss her, and her anger and distrust seemed to melt away. Holly had never let herself go like this, but she was so far down this path now, that it seemed to be her only choice. And it was a very enjoyable path, after all.

  By the time they pulled up outside their houses later that afternoon, Holly was starting to feel more relaxed. Finding the beach and the inscription inside the cave had shaken her up, but as the shock settled she found that a comforting sort of warmth was taking its place. She felt as though her mum was turning back into the person she had once loved, and the anger that she’d held on to for so many years was beginning to ebb away. Sandra, too, was so much more real than she had been before, which was making Holly feel both happy and like her heart might shatter into pieces. If only she knew what had happened to drive such a permanent wedge between the two sisters.

  ‘I know you’ve been stuck with me all day,’ Aidan said, turning off the engine and reaching for her hand, ‘but I know a great Italian place over in Keri …’

  ‘I’d love to,’ Holly returned the pressure with her own hand. ‘And thank you, for today. I never would have found that place without you.’

  ‘There you go again,’ he chided. ‘Doubting yourself. You would have found it just fine – although you may well have fallen off that path and plummeted headfirst into the sea.’

  ‘Well then, thanks for saving my life too.’

  They both laughed, but there was a slight uneasiness behind the chuckles. Holly knew she should be thinking about Rupert, just as she knew that Aidan must be thinking about him as well, but she was selfishly enjoying herself too much to bring the subject up. It was so much easier just to carry on and pretend that there was no elephant swinging its trunk around, trying to get their attention. She wanted to sit and have dinner with this man and talk about his life here on the island; she wanted the table overlooking the sunset and his hand in her own. The subjec
t of her boyfriend didn’t sit too comfortably in that scenario and, despite the fact that she knew in her heart that it was wrong, she resolutely decided to put the issue into one of her many internal boxes and lock it up until morning.

  Aidan must have sensed her silent struggle, because he let go of her hand. ‘Meet you back at mine in half an hour?’ he asked.

  ‘Deal!’ Holly shrugged off her conscience and closed the jeep door before heading up the path and reaching forward to get the key from under the pot. The house was in darkness, but as she closed the door Holly could see her mobile phone illuminated on the table – she hadn’t even realised that she’d left it behind.

  Swinging her bag on to the sofa and flicking on the light, Holly took a few steps forward and all of a sudden found herself paralysed with a sense of impending doom. She took a deep breath and forced herself as far as the table, before gingerly picking up her phone.

  The message on the screen confirmed her worst fears.

  ‘AIDAN!’ Holly was actually hammering on the door. She could hear Phelan skittering around inside and the distant sound of water running.

  ‘AIDAN!’ she tried again, close to tears now. Phelan started barking and eventually the door opened. Aidan was wet from the shower and wearing just a towel and a bemused expression.

  ‘What’s this?’ he grinned. ‘Couldn’t stay away from me for all of ten minutes, eh?’

  Holly said nothing, just handed him her phone, Rupert’s text message still filling the screen.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘I know.’ It came out as barely a whisper. ‘What the hell am I going to do?’

  Aidan was silent for a few beats, and Holly watched as droplets of water fell from his fringe on to his bare chest.

  ‘How much time do we have?’ he asked, suddenly urgent.

  ‘This was sent four hours ago,’ Holly told him, her heart sinking down into her knees.

  ‘His flight landed ten minutes ago …’

  Tuesday, 12 October 1993

  Dearest S,